WELCOME TO 2013 WITH NYUS!

HAPPY NEW YEAR
from the authors of Not Your Usual Suspects.

Thanks to you all for following the blog, our books and our adventures!

In 2012 we've enjoyed bringing you best-selling books with wonderful characters and intriguing plots full of suspense, drama and romance. We've shared successes and setbacks, how we write, why we write - and why sometimes we struggle to write at all! We've discussed fiction techniques, smiled and sighed over family tales, and shared holiday highlights.

Our team has grown, so have our publications, we've mastered more social media (or tried to! *g*), joined more online and homegrown critique groups, and dipped our toes into self-publishing. We've been staunch supporters of new initiatives through Carina Press and other publishers, and online ventures such as the Amazon Author Page and Evan Jacobs' Authorgraph, where you can request a virtual autograph from your favourite ebook authors.

We've also shared the great I-SPY series - informative and fun posts on your favourite fiction. Over the last year, there's been a series of posts on writing the gay mystery with Josh Lanyon, and single posts on useful topics such as Research, Free Association, Online Marketing, A Writer's Library, takings books to Audible, and being a Successful Hooker (!). We'll be continuing these posts through 2013 - make sure you bookmark the blog so you don't miss them!
 

And now, to start the year off with a groan, albeit rueful...

What were YOUR favourite Christmas cracker jokes in 2012?

Where does Father Christmas go to recover after Christmas?
An elf farm.

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come.

What do you call two happy mushrooms?
Fun guys.

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days.

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack.

What do you give a dog for Christmas?
A mobile bone.

What’s brown and creeps around the house?
Mince spies.

What do witches use to wrap their presents?
Spello-tape.

What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train.

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with.

What do you call 2 rows of cabbages?
A dual cabbageway.

Christmas and New Year entries collected and posted by Clare - any pictures that haven't been provided by the authors have been chosen by me, and any queries about them can be directed here.

The English language - hilarious or brilliant?!

Ever thought learning a foreign language was too much of a challenge for you? Let's take a quick, fun look at our very own... :)

English - absolutely hilarious/brilliant!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.


And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop???







From Clare and all at Not Your Usual Suspects - HAPPY MONDAY! And isn't *that* a confusion in itself? :)

Fun, film and fond farewell to 2011...

IT'S FRIDAY FUN! and the Not Your Usual Suspects authors share some jokes and cheeky fun with you all through the Holiday season :)

A BUMPER post today to mark the end of our blog month :).
Take your time to read and browse and - hopefully - smile!

Thanks so much for visiting and chatting this month, we've had a great time and hope you have too.

**Comment on any post this month & be entered to win FREE BOOKS!**
***Countdown today: THIRTEEN BOOKS under the Christmas tree, see below***

Here are some jokes for your New Year:

Resolutions I'm more likely to KEEP?
10. Read less.
9. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least...
1. Take up a new habit: maybe drinking!

A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture Tour with A Difference
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Politician in Action
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
* You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
* The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
* You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
* You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
* You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
* Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

New Year Quotes - inspirational or not?!

Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty. John Selden

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. Unknown

It wouldn't be New Year if I didn't have regrets. William Thomas

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. Oprah Winfrey

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul. G.K. Chesterton

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better man. Benjamin Franklin

I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Robert Paul

New Year's Eve: Where auld acquaintance be forgot...Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. Jay Leno

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. Mark Twain

Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? Ogden Nash

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. John Burroughs

                                     

                                    

Here's a YouTube clip made by the ship's personnel of HMS Ocean on learning they'd be home for Christmas 2011 (posted by Clare London, who married a sailor :)).

Back 9 Dec after 7½ months away - 225 days with 176 at sea.
400 people onboard (at peak during the amphibious exercises just under 900 onboard but approx 650 during Op Ellamy).
Steamed just over 40,000 miles.
Burned approx 6,000 tonnes of fuel.
Operated 16 different type of aircraft off the deck.

Realities of deploying:
15 babies born while the ship has been away (fathers did get home to see mum and baby)
5 people were sent home so they didn't miss their own weddings.
1 sailor whose son's third birthday is on homecoming. Family meeting ship

Ships company have missed:
Summer holidays.
Children's exam results
Children finishing school and starting university
The Padre missed his daughter's graduation.



Link - HMS Ocean

The marvellous a capella group Straight No Chaser and "The Twelve Days of Christmas", recommended by our visitor Frank:



Link - Straight No Chaser

And the inimitable Eartha Kitt who sadly died on Christmas Day 2008, here with her wonderfully cheeky Christmas song, Santa Baby.



Link - Eartha Kitt



Update on the BOOK GIVEAWAY:
Follow this on each post during Dec as the books mount up. Comment on any post to to be entered in the draw. Final prize giveaway on Jan 2!

THIRTEEN BOOKS ALREADY!

Blinded by Our Eyes by Clare London

Dead Silent - Shirley Wells

Sea of Suspicion by Toni Anderson

Under Fire by Rita Henuber

The Shoeless Kid - Marcelle Dube

No One to Trust - Julie Moffett

Icescapade - Josh Lanyon

Choice of backlist - Shelley Munro
Desperate Choices - Kathy Ivan
Protective Custody by Wynter Daniels
Her Dark Knight - Sharon Cullen
Only Fear - Anne Marie Becker
First Victim - JB Lynn

Get your Laughing Gear ready for Christmas :)

IT'S FRIDAY FUN! and the Not Your Usual Suspects authors share some jokes and cheeky fun with you all through the Holiday season :)

Feel free to share YOUR jokes in the comments - maybe we'll include some of them in later blog posts!

**Comment on any post this month & be entered to win FREE BOOKS!**
***Countdown today: TEN BOOKS under the Christmas tree, see below***

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy to be with.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews
What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.

*

The 10 WORST Christmas cracker jokes from a recent survey:
1. What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
2. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.
3. What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.
4. What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
5. What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.
6. Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.
7. What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.
8. How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
10. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.

*

Some jokes from our readers:

Anne

Q) What disease can you catch from putting up too many Christmas decorations?
A) Tinsilitis

Vanessa

What do elves learn in school?
ANSWER: The Elf-abet

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
ANSWER: Frostbite

flchen1

What do Christmas and a cat in the desert have in common?
Both have Sandy Claws

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Mistletoe!!

*

Knock Knock...

Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas

Who's there?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who?
Wenceslas train home?

Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business

Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger

Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithful

Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again

                          

                         

Share some Christmas music - How many of them are your favourites as well? recommended by Clare London:

Link:  http://youtu.be/8sB7_zCneG8

A clip from Love Actually, one of Toni Anderson's favourite Christmas movies:

Follow the link: http://youtu.be/XVSmT4nNEkQ

(embedding disabled, I'm afraid)





                                    

                     


Update on the BOOK GIVEAWAY:
Follow this on each post during Dec as the books mount up. Comment on any post to to be entered in the draw. Final prize giveaway on Jan 2!

TEN BOOKS ALREADY!

                                 



Blinded by Our Eyes by Clare London
Dead Silent - Shirley Wells
Sea of Suspicion by Toni Anderson
Under Fire by Rita Henuber
The Shoeless Kid - Marcelle Dube

No One to Trust - Julie Moffett

Icescapade - Josh Lanyon

Choice of backlist - Shelley Munro
Desperate Choices - Kathy Ivan
Protective Custody - Wynter Daniels

Celebration and Chuckles

IT'S FRIDAY FUN! and the Not Your Usual Suspects authors share some jokes and cheeky fun with you all through the Holiday season :)

Feel free to share YOUR jokes in the comments - maybe we'll include some of them in later blog posts!

**Comment on any post this month & be entered to win FREE BOOKS!**
***Countdown today: SEVEN BOOKS under the Christmas tree, see below***

Why did the lobster cross the road?
To get to the other tide.

Question: If Santa Claus is crossed with a detective then what would you get?

Answer: Santa Clues!

What's for lunch on Christmas Day for snowmen?
Answer: Icebergers!

How do snowmen travel around?
Answer: By icicle!

How does one snowman greet another?
Answer: Ice to meet you.

What's the popular name of a snowman in summer?
Answer: A puddle.

What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food?
Answer: Brrrr- itos.

What kind of money do snowmen use at the North Pole?
Answer: Cold cash!

How do you get to know if the snowman's in your bed?
Answer: You wake up wet!

What does a snowman likes to eat on Christmas Eve?
Answer: Turkey with snow topping.

What kind of money does a snowman use?
Answer: Cold cash!

*

Some jokes from one of our readers, flchen1:

Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

                                     

                                    

Share a lovely clip of a Hallelujah Chorus by the people of Quinhagak in Alaska:



Link: http://youtu.be/LyviyF-N23A

And OHHHH this made me wince! From A Christmas Story - Tongue Stuck to Pole ...

Only available on Link: http://youtu.be/_RgCbcT8eEU



Update on the BOOK GIVEAWAY:
Follow this on each post during Dec as the books mount up. Comment on any post to to be entered in the draw. Final prize giveaway on Jan 2!

SEVEN BOOKS TO DATE!

Blinded by Our Eyes by Clare London
Dead Silent - Shirley Wells
Sea of Suspicion by Toni Anderson
Under Fire by Rita Henuber
The Shoeless Kid - Marcelle Dube
No One to Trust - Julie Moffett
Icescapade - Josh Lanyon

Festive Fun and Music

IT'S FRIDAY FUN! and the Not Your Usual Suspects authors share some jokes and cheeky fun with you all through the Holiday season :)

Feel free to share YOUR jokes in the comments - maybe we'll include some of them in later blog posts!

(Sez Clare: and hey, I take no responsibility for the seasonal cheesiness LOL)

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?  "Breathe, moron. Breathe!"

*

On Christmas morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening just before opening presents, the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

*

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

*

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” St. Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas in order to get into heaven.”

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” St. Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They're bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The Newfie replied, “These are Carols.”

*

A man is walking through the Olympic village and stops to talk to an athlete who is carrying a really long pole. He asks “are you a pole vaulter” the athlete replies, “No I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

*

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the Father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

                                     

                                    

Share some Christmas music with Bruce Springsteen, recommended by Toni Anderson:

Link: http://youtu.be/T5yj8ARVV3M


A clip from A Christmas Story, courtest of Rita Henuber:



http://youtu.be/MR-tKkWWtXo



Update on the BOOK GIVEAWAY:
Follow this on each post during Dec as the books mount up. Comment on any post to to be entered in the draw. Final prize giveaway on Jan 2!

FOUR BOOKS ALREADY!

                                  Blinded by Our Eyes by Clare London
Dead Silent - Shirley Wells
Sea of Suspicion by Toni Anderson
Under Fire by Rita Henuber

It's Friday, and here's to the Weekend!

IT'S FRIDAY FUN! and the Not Your Usual Suspects authors share some jokes and cheeky fun with you all through the Holiday season :)

Feel free to share YOUR jokes in the comments - maybe we'll include some of them in later blog posts!

And don't forget our great giveaway GIFT in December, details below ...

What do you call Frosty the Snowman's lesser known brother, the baker?

Frosty the Doughman.

What is Kris Kringle's favorite part of the sentence?

The clause.

Which Christmas carol is about an old suit of armor?

Oh, Holey Knight.

What's a female sheep's favorite time of the year?

Ewe Near's Eve.

If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire what would they name their child?

Frostbite.

What is the army's favorite Christmas plant?

Missle toe.

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!

And to finish, here's a UK advert for the winter season for Boots the chemist (drugstore, to my US cousins) which never ceases to make me laugh. In fact, it was from last year, and they've resurrected it this year, so it must have struck a nerve with more people than just me LOL.

Here's the link if you can't pick it up from the blog post:  http://youtu.be/9C4UVs3JD-g 

Update on the BOOK GIVEAWAY:
Follow this on each post during Dec as the books mount up. Comment on any post to to be entered in the draw. Final prize giveaway on Jan 2!

First book under the tree: my Carina title "Blinded by Our Eyes"