Our old house was on a dead-end street, a nice long quiet
road with trees and kids and people who mostly observed the speed limit. For
the longest time, when I drove in and out of our neighborhood, I’d see a
teenaged boy practicing skateboard tricks—or rather the same trick—over and
over.
He’d do the set-up, launch—and fail miserably.
But he didn’t give up and eventually I saw him nail the
move. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a gradual process. Instead of succeeding
once in a hundred times, it would be one in ten and then most of the time, he
jump and spin and pick up his board. Smile. And practice it again.
And after a while, he’d start on a new skill, a new trick. And
fail miserably.
I can’t count the number of times I thought, a girl would
never do that.
Not the practicing and the striving, but the public failure.
Repeated failure. Where everyone could see them mess up and sprawl all over the
pavement or the lawn and look like a dork.
I hadn’t thought about that kid in years, but a recent post
brought it crashing back.
Earlier this week, a friend posted about this on Facebook. http://jezebel.com/5955277/one-mistake-wont-ruin-your-life-remember-that
Basically Hugo talked about the tragic suicide of a teen,
Amanda Todd, following severe harassment after Todd’s decision to ‘sext’ a man
who, it turns out, may have been a predator. Allegedly this man tried to
blackmail her and released the pictures to her classmates and life took a
horrible turn for Ms. Todd. More horribly, she didn’t see a way out.
Unfortunately, Todd’s story has been hijacked and trotted
out as a warning to girls about the danger of stepping ‘out of line’ with
anything sexual, another ridiculous blame to victim measure. While the article initially
focused on sexuality, what is most concerning to me is the way the ‘messing up
your life’ message demands perfection from young—and not so young—women, while
at the same time forbidding them to experiment or risk failure. As I told
Nicole in our Facebook exchange, this is the broader message for me:
[Resilience and the ability to thrive] means
focusing on giving them what we've given their brothers for decades: the chance
to see failure –- and even humiliation -– as an opportunity rather than as a
life-destroying disaster.
And we offer it up to the world to critique.
If we aren’t “allowed” to take risks, to risk failure, if we
have to be “perfect” before we attempt…anything, what does that say about us as
a society? If we all have to fall in line and not push creative boundaries,
there won’t be urban fantasies or paranormal entities or mysteries that make us
think, not just about who did the crime, but what led those characters to make
those decisions or any of the other layers we authors craft into our stories to
make us think outside the expected. Outside the safe.
And failure to take the creative risk is a loss for all of
us.
I don’t want to live in a white bread world, where
everything is the same. Where people are afraid to take risks. Are afraid to
challenge their deepest fears and embrace their highest dreams.
Instead I applaud everyone who steps outside their comfort
zone and offers a piece of their vision. A piece of their heart.
12 comments:
Interesting piece, Cathy.
I often wonder if this fear of failure is a result of the modern age, or if it's been around as long as we have.
Not long ago I did an interview and was asked what piece of advice I'd give to writers and I said: "Fail. Fail spectacularly."
It was Winston Churchill who said: "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." Personally, that sums it up for me. Good post, Cathy. :)
What a thought provoking post - thank you. I think risks are necessary for any sort of forward movement.
Teens taking risk is an important part of human development and has played a massive part in human evolution. That a young girl paid with her life is awful. Who can forget the magnitude of emotions at that age? I think the urge to stop kids taking risks is a natural one for parents and caring adults, but it isn't necessarily a good one. We shouldn't have to pay for our mistakes with our lives. We all need to figure out how to deal with people in this virtual world--like they are real and standing next to you. Like they could be your best friend. Thought provoking post. Kudos.
Excellent post, Cathy. Risk taking is necessary for all arts. Without taking a chance on failure, we would never achieve success.
Interesting post, Cathy, and I like the quote from Steve Jobs that was in the Jezebel article - something about how failing (getting fired at Apple) took the pressure off so he didn't have to be perfect and could be a beginner again. Love that. A lot of us pressure ourselves to be perfect in every aspect of our lives, but that's insanity, because that's striving for the impossible. Of course, many teens don't understand that yet.
On a personal note, my daughter has perfectionistic tendencies (which I'm not surprised by, given who her mother is - grin), but having dealt with that pressure my whole life, I'm trying to help her balance...repeat things to her that I hope she'll internalize. Messages like "I'm okay" and "mistakes are good - they're a learning tool." I hope it works. :)
Oh, and I should add that I don't believe there's anything wrong with striving for perfection. I wouldn't want to live in a society that praises mediocrity. But understanding limitations and finding silver linings in our struggles/failures is what I think helps us grow and makes us happy.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Cathy. :)
Yes, Cathy, the old "no pain, no gain" motto is alive and well. Without taking a chance, why none of us would ever marry, have a child, or even spring a new recipe on dinner guests.
Seriously, girls have a deeper vulnerability than boys, perhaps, but that does not preclude all risk taking. Your point is very well made. Thank you.
It's also referred to as successfully failing. I believe the most notorious or notable incident was Apollo 13. Things went wrong. Failed. But those failures were overcome. What if everyone had thrown their hands up and said well we made a mistake we’ll never going to space again boo-hoo. What about people who loaded onto tiny ships and sailed across an ocean to a new world order people who got into a wagon to go across the Americas. They sure as heck took a chance. I think of the pressure put on our children to know where they want to go to college what they want to be when they grow up by the time they're in sixth grade is awful. It could be the reason why there is so much rebellion cheese give a kid a chance to grow up to even learn who he is science says that brains aren't fully developed until the age of 24. When I would get upset that my kids made some poor choices and mistakes my husband would remind me what the definition of children is. "Little people who make a lot of mistakes." I don't know what's happened to a society who demands perfection the first time around. Or is it because the bar has been lowered so far that everybody thinks they're perfect the first time around. By the way, I've never been invited to perfect party.
Many successful business people have a few bankruptcies in their past. That's how they learned to be successful. I know a writer who keeps a motto on the wall above her computer that reads: WRITE SCARED.
Good post, Cathy.
I love reading through your comments - always such good insights :)
Great post, Cathy. I love Thomas Edison's thoughts on failure. He said "I haven't failed. I've just found ten thousand ways that won't work." He also said "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time." So true!
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