It's a Religion!
“Staff of heaven.” *eye roll*
It’s an Animal!
“Raging beast of his desire.” I keep wanting to say, “You hairy like animal!” in a Moose-and-Squirrel accent.
It’s a Plant!
“Jade stem/stalk/staff.” This phrase stems from the Chinese because they call jade the “stone of heaven.” Thus, a jade stem/stalk/staff is supposed to take you to heaven and back. Egotistical much? Personally, when human cells go green, they’re putrid. Of course, the phrase could work if you have a fetish for the Jolly Green Giant.
“Turgid shaft.” Turgid sounds like a plant disease.
“Manroot.” Mandrake keeps popping in my head. Just as mandrake is poisonous to eat, so should manroot be to read.
It’s a Weapon!
“Sword of flesh.” I blame the medieval romances.
“Man sword.” See above comment.
“Love staff.” Ditto.
It’s Not Romance, It’s Not Erotica; It’s Porn!
“Meat of his confession.” Ew. Just ew.
“Love tool.” Unless batteries are required, it’s not acceptable.
Just Say It Already!
“Tumescence.” Everytime I read that word, I expect the penis to be glowing like Dr. Manhattan’s.
“Admission of desire.” I want to say only senior citizens would use this phrase…except I know a number of romance authors in their sixties who can make me blush.
“That which made him man.” See above comment.
If It Needs a Hyphen, Don't Use It
“Purple helmeted soldier of love.” The Trojan radio ads aren’t this corny.
“Purple-headed womb ferret.” I’m sure there’s a surgical procedure to cure this one.